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Category Archives: Imaginative Bakwaas

[Rakhi Rants]~ I use Shower, not Buckets! :*

Disclaimer: The spellings and typos evident below are natural and inbuilt the author of the article. The Blog owner is not to be crucified for the same. Read at your own risk, for I did not write this!

Hello my phavorate people, I’m the back again to tell you about me. I know you would be complaining that this time Rakhi is late or thinking she is angry, but do not worry as all eez well. Btw, this is only my January rant post ok? Thanks to my bijee schedule it’s being posted in February. Hope you all got your shalary-walary.

This January has been full of work as I was travelling with my shuitcase all over Aushtralia. No, this time I didn’t go to meet the plashtic shurgeons. I was there at Melbourne, Perth, Shydney and Ade-laid cheering the Aushtralians. 4-0 : Poonam Pandey, BEAT THAT! Huh! 

Note: I’m an Indian fan by birth but I’m not going to support the team that gives its winning credits to someone like Ms. Pandey. You know this Poonam no, she has this guts to look into my eyes and say that the letter P in IPL stands for Poonam. Since there is no R in IPL, I can’t argue. So she beats me hands and clothes down.

My fans bring in so much of joy, by Jeejuuuus, what can I say?!! I was shedding happy tears on the 9th of January, when I got to know from this blog owner that this e-special fan of mine has requested me to write something called as the bucket list. Whatever that was, requests are rare to me. Thank you Rumya (oho…both our names begin with shame letter too…XoXo!) for challenging me. Btw, you know what? Too much of happy tears proved costly as tissues are very costly in Aushtralia.
I didn’t know what a bucket-list is as I use shower to take bath. Also I didn’t know what a meme is, but then this blog owner is very kind hearted (and sadly, married!). I demanded e-special trainings to make me understand. I’ve heard them say: Geniuses are not born, but made. So I keep trying hard.

Ok, so let me the share with you some of my shower droplets:
1.
I love Aaamir Khan. I wish he would do what Mika did with me. If this happens I’ll not wish for anything else, not even the below wishes. Mother Promish.
2. One day I want to be on the cover page of Vogue – in a sharee. You see, I’m just a desi girl with angrezi dreams.
3. I want to do what Soniya Gandhi did. Marry a foreigner who’s a politician on the way to become the President or Prime-Minister of his country. I’m not able to decide between Fransh and Etaly.
4. I want to Bungee Jump at leasht once. I know how it feels to be pushed down but not how it feels to jump down.
5. To become the Preshident of India. I think I can satishfactorily do what the Preshident of India does. I’m excited to know she currently has 64 shecurity men around her, but my favorite number is just five more than that.
6. To one day do a main female lead role in an A-grade Bollywood movie opposite Hrithik Roshan. Maybe even e-spread a rumor about a relationship with him. I want to see some reactions on Sujanne’s expressionless face.
7. After retirement (I pray to jeeejjuussss everyday to poshtpone this) from limelight, I want to go to Vatican city and meet the Pope. Something tells me, he’s waiting to meet me.
8. I dreamt of meeting Mr. Shteve Jobs in person. He went to Jeejuuuus. Now in my sleep, I dream of meeting Mr. Huge Hefner. And oh! I don’t mind being his playing partner…I’m all game.
9. I’ve been fixed by the media with many phamous personalities before. I’m shtill waiting for that dream fix – Mr. Sulman Rushdie – for I believe our names have a rhythm in them…Sulman Rushdie and Sawant Rakhi….is rhyming and fully in-flow. Moreover, I love bald men (Aaamir, plsh note…I fell for you in Ghajini! 😉 ) with round shpectacles (Rahul baba, plsh note! 😀 )!

Ok, so there ends my lisht. Yes only nine small wishes there, for the shimple girl that I am. 😀

Rakhi Joke of last month – Rakhi to play main lead opposite Abhishek Bachchan in a movie titled ‘Dostana3’. (I didn’t get it – neither the movie role nor the joke! 😦 )

PS1: I’ve warned the Blog owner not to make any changes to the article in the name of corrections. He the destroyed ‘Rakhi ishshtyle of writing’ in the last two rant poshts. Bawra! He said he will only put down a dishclaimer at the beginning of this rant. The kind hearted me, agreed.
PS2: How do I look in this new photo? HEY! HEY! HEY! You the tell me.

Anyway, let me get back to my bijee schedule. So till you get your next pay check…bbye! 🙂
All of Yours, Rakhi THE Sawant! 😀

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Posted by on February 4, 2012 in Imaginative Bakwaas

 

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[Featured Bakwaas]~Rakhi Rants….

It’s been a long time since I’ve shook the country with my presence. I was wondering what to do this time, but it seems like my time isn’t good. So I mailed this blogger asking him if I could write some guest posts on his blog. He was kind enough to oblige but he had 2 conditions, one – I had to say only the truth and two – he would edit if I dared to blow a whistle.

Ok, so to say the truth I’m jobless now – what with the main actresses taking away all the item numbers – huh. Twenty-seven seems to be the new Sixty, for I feel like I’m retired. I needed this column to rant off all the stuff on my mind and keep it refreshed. Thanks to this blogger and double thanks to his readers, for you are my new fans…take it or leave it, you can’t ignore it.

Jeeeeeeeeejuuuuussssssssssssss!!! (We have learnt in our younger days that we need to remember the lord every time we start something new. Brings you, the entire luck shuck!)

1. It’s a crime to let your fans down. I’ve always tried my best to keep them happy, even if the best surgeons came overpriced. However recently, my fans were disappointed for no fault of mine. They were heart-broken to not find me in the star-cast of the movie “Rakh(i)star”. I have better facial expressions than Nargis Fakhri, if not a better face.
2. I’m thinking of joining politics if Maya di sends me an invite. Now that she has divided Uttar Pradesh into four states, I could cash in on a ministerial berth. My childhood dream has been to become the Prime Minister of India. Someday.
3. I hate this Poonam Pandey. She’s taking my fans away from me. What I don’t have that she has? Indian men have such a bad taste. Huh!
4. The Sensex is falling, for no reasons. When Poonam Pandey can take credit for uplifting the spirits of the Indian Cricket team, why can’t she shed some clothes so that our Sensex & Nifty gets up and running…? Uski toh main!!!
5. By God, I was the perfect fit for the lead role of ‘Dirty Picture’; why go for Vidya Balan when you have such a natural fit like me? Life is so unfair!!!
6. Men are commitment-phobic when it comes to me. No one wants to marry me. I’ve made some high profile proposals – Salman Baba, Ramdev Baba, Rahul Baba, et all – but nothing’s worked out. I’m now wondering, if not men then who?!
7. I’m very happy about Aishwarya Rai Bachchan delivering a baby girl for I prayed the last 8 months for her safe delivery. If I get to marry someone like Abhishek Bachchan, even I would get a baby girl with blue eyes. Amen 🙂
8. I lost a chance to work with Aamir Khan recently as I was in the rest room for 4 hours. Bad stomach!
9. Someone has hacked my Facebook account. So if any of you guys receive my friend request, it’s just another fraaaaand request…you can be my friend(cum fan) here….xoxo… 🙂
10. I was praying for Sachin’s 100th century in fully covered traditional Indian clothing. Seems like Poonam Pandey will finally have the last laugh! 😦  What a ColaWorry I say?!!!

I got such nice writing style no? Hope you fans liked the sharing of my thoughts in this article. May Jeeejussssss bless you, always! 😀

 
9 Comments

Posted by on November 26, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas

 

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[Living Humorously]~***Karthik WEDS Krishna***!! ;)

Disclaimer: The entire plot and conversation is very much a damn branch from a tree of wild wild imagination. Nothing said here is true and hence one cannot hold any grudge or hatred towards the author. No law-suits too. You can throw wild wild comments and ratings, as that amount of pleasurable pain is bearable by the author.

Note: No couples were separated in the making of this post.

It was a lovely Saturday morning when there was a knock on the door. Looking through the ‘peep hole’, I could see an old lady standing on the other side of the door. Asking my wife to open the door, I quickly ran in towards the bedroom to find a decent enough t-shirt to cover up my torso. As I returned to the living room, I happened to see my wife closing the door having received something from the old lady.
Me: “Who was she?”
Wife: “That aunty is a neighbor, who lives in the next building. Her son is getting married and came to invite us.”
Me: “Oh! That’s nice. Do you know her?”
Wife: “No, never spoken to her. But I give her a smile every evening when I return from office.”
Me: “Smile friend eh? Haha…good! Pass me the invitation.”

On getting the invite, I stood there a little confused and I guess it showed on my face.
Wife: “What happened? Why THE look?”
Me: “Well, did you read what’s written on the cover?”
Wife: “No. What’s so unusual about an invitation?”
Me: “Have we met or seen her son, by any chance?”
Wife: “Ya ya, remember the guy who smiles at us as we wait to catch our respective office buses? Same fellow!”
Me: “No wonder, I always had an intuition!”
Wife: “Why? What’s written on the invite?”
Me: “It reads – KARTHIK WEDS KRISHNA – and which among these, is her son?”
Wife: “I don’t know!”

I had not yet opened the card, as I was a little amused along with all the confusions that prevailed.
A moment of silence later:
Me: “Must say, that family has a very modern thought process. I’d never heard of a same-sex marriage being conducted with family blessings and in full tradition. And then the mother of the groom errr…one of the grooms…inviting the neighbors, is totally out of the blue!”
Wife: “Agreed. Inviting the neighbors is a daring step.”
Me: “I wonder which side takes care of the preparations, like the girl’s side does in a usual matrimony.”
Wife: “Why are you wondering? Are you planning to attend?”
Me: “This is something new. So I’m actually excited to know details from what happens at the ceremony, who plays the lead and who follows, who ties the knot to whom and who ends up going to whose home at the end of the ceremony.”
Wife: “Sigh!”

The card, on opening, was like a paper format of a rainbow – with lots of colors used for the various fonts.
The names of KARTHIK and KRISHNA were printed in bold with KRISHNA in Bright Pink! It was a like that moment when Archimedes jumped out of his bath tub, oblivious to the open eyes around. Eureka!
Me: “Hey wifey, you know what? Krishna is the follower in this case. I had guessed it to be Karthik. My bad, as usual.”
Wife: “How do you know that?”
Me: “Krishna is printed in bold fonts and bright pink color on the card! So open about their sexuality, must say. Hats off to India Rising!”
Wife: “Who cares!!!!”

As I started reading the invite, word by word, the excitement of ‘something new’ slowly died a silent death.
Me: “Oh you know what?!”
Wife: “Now what?”
Krishna, actually turned out to be the name of the gal in this pair, for under her bold name in pink was printed in a smaller italicized font “Youngest D/o Mr…………..”!!
Me: “Nothing, leave it. We will anyway not be here that weekend.”
Wife: “I knew that already, but then if we were here – would you have attended this marriage?”

‘Let the mystery be alive’, so I thought and replied with “Who would let go of such an opportunity to attend the same-sex marriage? Such a nice post it would make on my blog!” as I heard her silently nod her head with a loud sigh of a thought!!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas, Thoughts

 

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[Green-o-Con][Week2]~Greenery abhi baaki hey mere dost! ;)

Hope you enjoyed my Week-1 entry (link: HERE) to the Green-o-Con(test).

The theme for Week-2 Green-o-Con is a “Photo-blog with a Green theme and Filmy Captions”!! 🙂

Note: The number 7 is legendary among the Konkanis (don’t ask why!! 😛 ) and hence this entry of mine has 7 photographs preceded by their respective filmy captions.

PS1: Special thanks to my better half for her show-stopper role! 😉

PS2: Click on picture to see an enlarged version. 🙂

Hara…err…Here we go:

“Ek aadmi $aala jungle ko banjar banaa deta hai…”

“I talk green, I walk green, I drink green…green hi green!”

“Gali gali mein shor hey, hariyali pe zor hey!”

“Greenariya haa haaaa,
Greenariya haa haa haa,
Greenariya
hooo Greenariya”

“Mera jeevan, hara kaagaz!”

“Kal-Aaj-aur-Kal”

“Woh chali, Woh chali,
Hariyali re chali,    
usse roko toh koi,
Hariyali chali”

Well…that ends the post. Do let me know how you liked it, with your comments!!
Greenery abhi baaki hey mere dost…” 😉
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Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Contests, Imaginative Bakwaas, I~do~such~things, Thoughts

 

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[Guest-Post]~A Letter from an Unknown Terrorist!

Note: This is a guest post I just received via flight mail (courtesy: Hedwig – of Harry Potter fame) and the author signed himself as “Sreeram Shenoy – an unknown terrorist”! Strange, I’ve never heard of him! Anyway I’m posting it, as received!
Disclaimer: The owner of this blog does not endorse or support the relevance of the contents in this post. This seems to be totally fictional and he is just publishing it, proxy! Any character or plot that resembles to any person alive or party active is not to be seriously considered, and if otherwise, the owner of this blog gives a damn!

“Woh Kehte Hey Na
Jo Hota Hey Achche Ke Liye Hota Hey
Galat Kehte Hey”

Things are getting crazy on a day-to-day basis. The land of Kamasutra and Yoga is getting totally plucked and unrest! As humans we are very much addicted to being in the limelight, we deserve it or not. We love to stay in power and rule, we have leadership qualities or not. We love the moolah and find ways to grab as much greenery as possible, we need it or not. We live among hypocrites and are confused about what we should be. The law-abiding tax payers are proved to be stupid idiots, time and again.
We breath, we eat, we sleep, we watch cricket, we breed, we pollute, we swear, we advice, we flirt, we blog, we slog and amidst all these irrelevant activities – We Make Breaking NEWS!

Well here’s a peek at how we go about it…
Our day is not worth living unless we are fed with the happenings around – both – global and local, private and public! Earlier, a “feed” was something that only chickens were interested in. Now almost everyone subscribes to the NEWS FEED, be it ‘on the wall’ or ‘in their inboxes’!

The human memory is short lived, and we cannot get enough of the same crap going on forever. We need variety, we need change and we need it NOW!
The 2G scam was going in full flow, with arrests being made every other day – the accused being moved through fast courts, before being confined into the cozy corners of the prison. The King was caught first and then his (rumored-2-be) mistress (or is it – mystery queen?) followed His Royal Highness! They have been trying to get out ever since, with emotional dramas from their families especially by her dad, the erstwhile minister of a southern state. This was followed by accusations on their business side – the Suryavanshis (Sun) were attacked with one yuvraj pulled down and out of the central cabinet and the other being summoned to by the court. And worse, these accused belonged to a party who were allies of the morons ruling at the center.

It was decided that all morons would meet up, to decide on how to get out of the mess, how to divert attention of the public and the media persons and for a change, how to accuse someone else!
At the meeting, one experienced moron uttered “We need to get off the front page…too much exposure is too bad! I believe we need some mode of diversion”! As the rest banged their heads against each other, he suggested “How about an artificial terror attack? Wouldn’t that be breaking news, which would say for a while, let us loose?”! Glasses were raised; the contents gulped down and then banged down on the table, all in unison – to signal an agreement, usually a rarity of sorts.
How about bombing Chennai? We anyway have no power there, so no post-mortem work for us!” grunted one moron lifting his lungi to acceptable limits and playfully tying knots.
Nahi saaar, not there. Don’t you have enough cases against your party already? How about the capital, Delhi?” suggested the ex-boss of the Olympic committee over the conference call, connected directly from Tihar.
Non ci non, dove vivo…err…I mean…not there, not where I live! Do Mumbai!” silenced a shrieking female voice with a distinct accent!
Signora ok..fatto…consider it done..” said an assistant translating what an old man wearing sunglasses confirmed.
And so it was decided, MUMBAI – the city of many a dreams, would be a scapegoat again – for it is anyway considered to have the magical power of being able to stand up and run again, all by itself.

13th of July was the chosen date.
Today’s Newspaper says and I quote – ‘Those who have 13 letters in their names are dreaded terrorists…!’ giving examples of Dawood Ibrahim, Chhota Shakeel, Osama Bin Laden,  Saddam Hussein amidst others.
They missed Sreeram Shenoy out of the list, for reasons unknown to that particularly unknown terrorist.
 
If Sreeram Shenoy was the terrorist behind this attack, he would stand up – say on a ladder or something taller – and announce that HE was the reason behind all this attack! Since he didn’t, he decided to write and send in this guest post to my namesake! (Uff, very tough to refer myself in Third Party narrative!)
Not one among these morons who attended the meet seem to have 13 bloody letters in their names to stand up and own the responsibility. Some even changed their names recently, owing a cliché’ numerological excuse!

Anyway, the 2G scam is now off the burner as most of the police personnel will be assigned to the Mumbai case, as per the meeting plans! Meanwhile, this definitely gives some breathing space for the age old scriptwriter to script an unexpected-yet-amazing climax to the currently-out-of-hand 2G scam storyline!
This and more, in my next letter.

Till then – Guns&Roses,
Sreeram Shenoy
– an unknown terrorist

 
7 Comments

Posted by on July 14, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas

 

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[Bakwaas]~Of Bobby Romeo, Rakhi Sawant & Salwaar Kameez! ;)

The signs were evident with the incessant power cuts, phase after phase leading to the eventual black out but unfortunately I didn’t even bother to make a wild guess. And then the eventual happened. SHE CALLED.

Me: “Hello”
She (crying): “Woh sab chodo…you know what happened? This always happens with me!”
Me (not recognizing the voice): “But who…”
She (still crying): “Woh sab chodo…he ran away with my Salwaar Kameez…haiii Jeeeejuussss, kameena dupatta bhi le gaya…”
Sitting in a candle lit, otherwise pitch dark room – I was shocked to realize this female still had my number. I realized who was calling but not being a keen TV enthusiast, I was blank about whom she was referring to!
Regaining my senses, I said “Arree…Rakhiiii…longgg timeee….how have you been?”
She (giggling amidst cries): “Woh sab chodo…you recognized my voice, abba…wahich bahut mereko!”
Me: “So tell me what happened? Who stole your well…clothes?”
Rakhi: “That Baba…what eez his name? Romeo…he stole my favorite white salwaar kameez…”
Me: “Hmm hmm…well…I’m not aware of what is happening around the world. My world is dark out here.”
Rakhi: “Woh sab chodo… I like to wear it in rain you know…men find it appealing. Bappi da and even Captain finds it hard to resist down south!”
Me: “Errr…ok…but, what do you want me to do?”
Rakhi: “Woh sab chodo…you just listen to me no…this Romeo Baba even took the dupatta along. Why would a man need it?”
Me: “I don’t know…how would I know? Maybe to cover his face or in the worst of cases wipe his sweat!!”
Rakhi: “So don’t you think he’s acting weird? No doubt he is a pervert shameless enough to steal my best clothes. I need to do something about this. Help me no?”
Me: “Help and me? 🙄 How? Well, the trend these days is to go on fast till your demand is met!”
Rakhi: “Wow…so you mean to say that I need to go on fast too? Am I not sleek enough?”
Me: “Well to say the truth, err…actually I don’t know what you should do or not do. But I’m just throwing in some wild guesses!”
Rakhi: “That’s it. I’m going to fast…till my demands are met. I need a white salwaar kameez with dupatta, same as the one Baba Romeo stole but ewwww not the same one! Hmm…”
Me: “Hmm…well…”
Rakhi: “Woh sab chodo…bbye…see me later on TV!”

 

Huh…anyway, I was relieved that no harm was done to me except for the fact that my ear drums were paining! On checking out what the fuss was all about, I found a certain Baba Ramdev in the avatar of Bobby Romeo, what with Salwaar Kameez on. With the opposition parties backing him up and the Government as well as the cops and the special task forces behind him, this country is definitely going to dogs!
In short, Jeeejuuussssssssssss! 😀

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas, I~do~such~things

 

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[Making News]~Of Hikes planned on Mt.Salary!! ;)

Chennai: The time has come for those paychecks to be revised and companies all over are considering many factors including the future market prospects before finalizing on those juicy percentages. The overall expectations are pretty high from the ‘deserving’ individuals. While some are speculating about the high percentages, some others are very confident about it. There are a few others who are calculating innovatively. An employee from the MNC major Outfy said on condition of anonymity, “The attrition rate has been very high here, so the salary fund would be in surplus. Hence I believe we will be getting a good raise this time in comparison to last year.” Innovative? or Cheeky?!!

The mood however is one of sheer optimism at all these software corporate campuses. The scene was no different at soap-n-software giant, Vpro. “We believe that we’ll get a double hike this time as the appraisal cycle of April 2010 is expected to close along with the current appraisal cycle of April 2011. We deserve it!” says Onurodha Cumary (name changed, on request) with a big bright smile followed by a wink. Strange are the ways in which these software engineers behave during these ‘testing’ times, when most are awaiting for the pay-hike ‘developments’ on the senior executive management front.

We believe in Karma – what we give is what we get returned” stated an employee of the latest Fortune 500 entrant Blognizant, who on conditions of anonymity continued “We recently asked people to sponsor notebooks for kids and sadly only about 20% of the people here contributed. Rumor is that only those 20% associates will get a hike for their good Karma. The rest would need to revisit their thought process and strive harder towards the next appraisal”. How lame! Sitting inside those small boxes that they call cubicles, these people seem to have lost IT (no, not that you silly!).

I don’t believe in hikes till I get to see them. I don’t know what bonuses mean! Last time they took away 500 bucks from each employee as bonus. You can imagine how thrilled I was to see my bonus letter showing a negative 500!!!” said Keghana Marthik (again, name changed!) from the mid-tier MNC firm BehindTree.

Obama killed Osama…or is it the other way round? Anyways, we as a team expect to get a good hike considering we do such excellent execution of Osama-in-a-house model!” cheered this employee of Mohinder Standyam, who preferred to refer himself as ‘Team Lead George Mush’.  Now what can I say?!!!

So as you see, the expectations vary from sanity to insanity but then the sky seems to be the limit for these bug hunters (buggers?). While some get real lucky (no, not that way you silly!!), the rest can expect to cool down thanks to some heavy showers expected post this hot season! As if the rest of us care.

Disclaimer: This article is just for fun and has no strong base for the information provided. This article holds no truth and any reference to an individual/group/company is purely coincidental. It is in a way, inspired by Faking News. This disclaimer is the absolute truth.

 
 

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