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[Rakhi Rants]~Of the year that went by….

I’m very well the pleased to let you fans know that this Blogger has agreed to let me write one article every month for you guys on his blog. I had to send him a lot of mails and give many a missed calls before he finally agreed to let your favorite Rakhi share her rants with you people, her fans.
Today is my favorite day of the year and I prayed Jeeejuusssss all day long on an empty stomach after breakfast. By the way, I also had a wonderful time with friends at lunch and then with family at dinner. Some fans came home too with plum cakes. Love you for all your love and kindness Jeeeejuussssss!!!!

A lot of things has been reported by our media this year, not sure but if all that has actually happened or not! Let me note what I think are the 10 most important (and remembered) events of 2011:

Note: Do not hate me (like you love me) if you feel my top 10 events are not so important and in your list! XoXo

1. It felt like there was a worldwide recession, what with everyone I met talking about losing jobs. Later I realized that they were talking about the death of Steve Jobs. I didn’t know him personally, but since everyone around were emotional I shed a tear too. However I still listen music on my Sony mp3 player.

2. Anna Hazare came out of nowhere and took the nation by awe with his anti-corruption campaign before it seemed to look like an anti-congress campaign and then like an anti-constitutional campaign amidst many other looks.
Rumor is that, come 2012 and the regional TV channels in the south will have primetime reality shows dedicated to him, some titled “Kaun banega Kalyug ka Gandhi?”, “Anna ka Swayamvar”, etc.
Note: Don’t feel bad, if I can’t find time to write this article because I see some work for me in 2012, thanks to the Anna reality shows.

3. India won the Cricket World Cup after 28 long years, but by Jeejuss I assure you that Poonam Pandey had nothing to do with inspiring the Indian team to win the quarter & semi-finals. I remember that day very clearly because the make-up on my face was all messed up as I had cried seeing Sachin Tendulkar being carried around the Wankhade on the shoulders of his teammates.
Sadly, the enthusiastic cricketers who lifted ‘God’ that day find themselves out of the team for various reasons. Sunny Deol shared what he calls ‘ander ki baat’, the Inside Joke – “Better go underground, than go down under”! LOL

4. The World population crossed 7 Billion this year and Indians did the best they could and saw to it that the 7Billionth child was our citizen. Up yours, China!

5. A lot many creative people died this year, which had me worried. Abhishek Bachchan assured me that we didn’t have to worry about it that much!
But then I feel bad about our country losing some of its brightest stars. Rest in peace, all their souls. May Jeejusss give them all a place in his heart.

6. We had so many scams this year that I’ve lost a count of it.
Another thing I’ve lost a count of is the number of rip-offs of the stupid (as the singer called it) soup song ‘Why this Kolaveri Di?’ that anyone-can-sing!!

7. I was shocked to know that Aamir Khan had a baby, without his wife getting pregnant. I was thinking for long long time, “Jeeejusss, what this world has come to?” before Rahul baba explained to me about this surrogacy thing.

8. I don’t know what point Veena Malik wanted to make. Posing in your birthday suit is ok, but why did she allow someone to write ISI on her forearm using a cheap temporary tatoo ink??! No wonder ISI and its mistress Pakistan were annoyed by her, for taking the “cheap publicity is afterall publicity” legend a little too far.
I really can’t understand some stupid women.

9. I don’t know much about politics but I know 2 things for sure about Kapil Sibal. One, he has a soft spot for Sonia Gandhi and two, he’s jealous of ManMohan Singh. When there are so many unsolved issues for the politicians to clear, I don’t know why Kapil Sibal waste his time searching for doctored images & videos of Sonia-ManMohan on social networking sites.

10. Coming to my own self, I proposed to a lot many men and tried to get married but alas! There are still aplenty over-eligible men whom I can propose/re-propose in 2012 like Rahul Baba, Ratan Tata (post retirement), Yuvraj Singh, among others. If any of you dear men out there would love to confirm your eligibility, say “I do” in the comment section and I’ll take care of the proposal. Experienced, you see!! ❤ XoXo 😀

Wish you all a very Happy New Year. See you in 2012!! 🙂 May Jeejjusss Bless you!! 🙂
All of Yours, Rakhi! 🙂

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Posted by on December 25, 2011 in I~do~such~things, Thoughts

 

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[Living Humorously]~***Karthik WEDS Krishna***!! ;)

Disclaimer: The entire plot and conversation is very much a damn branch from a tree of wild wild imagination. Nothing said here is true and hence one cannot hold any grudge or hatred towards the author. No law-suits too. You can throw wild wild comments and ratings, as that amount of pleasurable pain is bearable by the author.

Note: No couples were separated in the making of this post.

It was a lovely Saturday morning when there was a knock on the door. Looking through the ‘peep hole’, I could see an old lady standing on the other side of the door. Asking my wife to open the door, I quickly ran in towards the bedroom to find a decent enough t-shirt to cover up my torso. As I returned to the living room, I happened to see my wife closing the door having received something from the old lady.
Me: “Who was she?”
Wife: “That aunty is a neighbor, who lives in the next building. Her son is getting married and came to invite us.”
Me: “Oh! That’s nice. Do you know her?”
Wife: “No, never spoken to her. But I give her a smile every evening when I return from office.”
Me: “Smile friend eh? Haha…good! Pass me the invitation.”

On getting the invite, I stood there a little confused and I guess it showed on my face.
Wife: “What happened? Why THE look?”
Me: “Well, did you read what’s written on the cover?”
Wife: “No. What’s so unusual about an invitation?”
Me: “Have we met or seen her son, by any chance?”
Wife: “Ya ya, remember the guy who smiles at us as we wait to catch our respective office buses? Same fellow!”
Me: “No wonder, I always had an intuition!”
Wife: “Why? What’s written on the invite?”
Me: “It reads – KARTHIK WEDS KRISHNA – and which among these, is her son?”
Wife: “I don’t know!”

I had not yet opened the card, as I was a little amused along with all the confusions that prevailed.
A moment of silence later:
Me: “Must say, that family has a very modern thought process. I’d never heard of a same-sex marriage being conducted with family blessings and in full tradition. And then the mother of the groom errr…one of the grooms…inviting the neighbors, is totally out of the blue!”
Wife: “Agreed. Inviting the neighbors is a daring step.”
Me: “I wonder which side takes care of the preparations, like the girl’s side does in a usual matrimony.”
Wife: “Why are you wondering? Are you planning to attend?”
Me: “This is something new. So I’m actually excited to know details from what happens at the ceremony, who plays the lead and who follows, who ties the knot to whom and who ends up going to whose home at the end of the ceremony.”
Wife: “Sigh!”

The card, on opening, was like a paper format of a rainbow – with lots of colors used for the various fonts.
The names of KARTHIK and KRISHNA were printed in bold with KRISHNA in Bright Pink! It was a like that moment when Archimedes jumped out of his bath tub, oblivious to the open eyes around. Eureka!
Me: “Hey wifey, you know what? Krishna is the follower in this case. I had guessed it to be Karthik. My bad, as usual.”
Wife: “How do you know that?”
Me: “Krishna is printed in bold fonts and bright pink color on the card! So open about their sexuality, must say. Hats off to India Rising!”
Wife: “Who cares!!!!”

As I started reading the invite, word by word, the excitement of ‘something new’ slowly died a silent death.
Me: “Oh you know what?!”
Wife: “Now what?”
Krishna, actually turned out to be the name of the gal in this pair, for under her bold name in pink was printed in a smaller italicized font “Youngest D/o Mr…………..”!!
Me: “Nothing, leave it. We will anyway not be here that weekend.”
Wife: “I knew that already, but then if we were here – would you have attended this marriage?”

‘Let the mystery be alive’, so I thought and replied with “Who would let go of such an opportunity to attend the same-sex marriage? Such a nice post it would make on my blog!” as I heard her silently nod her head with a loud sigh of a thought!!

 
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Posted by on November 10, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas, Thoughts

 

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[Guest-Post]~A Letter from an Unknown Terrorist!

Note: This is a guest post I just received via flight mail (courtesy: Hedwig – of Harry Potter fame) and the author signed himself as “Sreeram Shenoy – an unknown terrorist”! Strange, I’ve never heard of him! Anyway I’m posting it, as received!
Disclaimer: The owner of this blog does not endorse or support the relevance of the contents in this post. This seems to be totally fictional and he is just publishing it, proxy! Any character or plot that resembles to any person alive or party active is not to be seriously considered, and if otherwise, the owner of this blog gives a damn!

“Woh Kehte Hey Na
Jo Hota Hey Achche Ke Liye Hota Hey
Galat Kehte Hey”

Things are getting crazy on a day-to-day basis. The land of Kamasutra and Yoga is getting totally plucked and unrest! As humans we are very much addicted to being in the limelight, we deserve it or not. We love to stay in power and rule, we have leadership qualities or not. We love the moolah and find ways to grab as much greenery as possible, we need it or not. We live among hypocrites and are confused about what we should be. The law-abiding tax payers are proved to be stupid idiots, time and again.
We breath, we eat, we sleep, we watch cricket, we breed, we pollute, we swear, we advice, we flirt, we blog, we slog and amidst all these irrelevant activities – We Make Breaking NEWS!

Well here’s a peek at how we go about it…
Our day is not worth living unless we are fed with the happenings around – both – global and local, private and public! Earlier, a “feed” was something that only chickens were interested in. Now almost everyone subscribes to the NEWS FEED, be it ‘on the wall’ or ‘in their inboxes’!

The human memory is short lived, and we cannot get enough of the same crap going on forever. We need variety, we need change and we need it NOW!
The 2G scam was going in full flow, with arrests being made every other day – the accused being moved through fast courts, before being confined into the cozy corners of the prison. The King was caught first and then his (rumored-2-be) mistress (or is it – mystery queen?) followed His Royal Highness! They have been trying to get out ever since, with emotional dramas from their families especially by her dad, the erstwhile minister of a southern state. This was followed by accusations on their business side – the Suryavanshis (Sun) were attacked with one yuvraj pulled down and out of the central cabinet and the other being summoned to by the court. And worse, these accused belonged to a party who were allies of the morons ruling at the center.

It was decided that all morons would meet up, to decide on how to get out of the mess, how to divert attention of the public and the media persons and for a change, how to accuse someone else!
At the meeting, one experienced moron uttered “We need to get off the front page…too much exposure is too bad! I believe we need some mode of diversion”! As the rest banged their heads against each other, he suggested “How about an artificial terror attack? Wouldn’t that be breaking news, which would say for a while, let us loose?”! Glasses were raised; the contents gulped down and then banged down on the table, all in unison – to signal an agreement, usually a rarity of sorts.
How about bombing Chennai? We anyway have no power there, so no post-mortem work for us!” grunted one moron lifting his lungi to acceptable limits and playfully tying knots.
Nahi saaar, not there. Don’t you have enough cases against your party already? How about the capital, Delhi?” suggested the ex-boss of the Olympic committee over the conference call, connected directly from Tihar.
Non ci non, dove vivo…err…I mean…not there, not where I live! Do Mumbai!” silenced a shrieking female voice with a distinct accent!
Signora ok..fatto…consider it done..” said an assistant translating what an old man wearing sunglasses confirmed.
And so it was decided, MUMBAI – the city of many a dreams, would be a scapegoat again – for it is anyway considered to have the magical power of being able to stand up and run again, all by itself.

13th of July was the chosen date.
Today’s Newspaper says and I quote – ‘Those who have 13 letters in their names are dreaded terrorists…!’ giving examples of Dawood Ibrahim, Chhota Shakeel, Osama Bin Laden,  Saddam Hussein amidst others.
They missed Sreeram Shenoy out of the list, for reasons unknown to that particularly unknown terrorist.
 
If Sreeram Shenoy was the terrorist behind this attack, he would stand up – say on a ladder or something taller – and announce that HE was the reason behind all this attack! Since he didn’t, he decided to write and send in this guest post to my namesake! (Uff, very tough to refer myself in Third Party narrative!)
Not one among these morons who attended the meet seem to have 13 bloody letters in their names to stand up and own the responsibility. Some even changed their names recently, owing a cliché’ numerological excuse!

Anyway, the 2G scam is now off the burner as most of the police personnel will be assigned to the Mumbai case, as per the meeting plans! Meanwhile, this definitely gives some breathing space for the age old scriptwriter to script an unexpected-yet-amazing climax to the currently-out-of-hand 2G scam storyline!
This and more, in my next letter.

Till then – Guns&Roses,
Sreeram Shenoy
– an unknown terrorist

 
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Posted by on July 14, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas

 

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[Bakwaas]~Of Bobby Romeo, Rakhi Sawant & Salwaar Kameez! ;)

The signs were evident with the incessant power cuts, phase after phase leading to the eventual black out but unfortunately I didn’t even bother to make a wild guess. And then the eventual happened. SHE CALLED.

Me: “Hello”
She (crying): “Woh sab chodo…you know what happened? This always happens with me!”
Me (not recognizing the voice): “But who…”
She (still crying): “Woh sab chodo…he ran away with my Salwaar Kameez…haiii Jeeeejuussss, kameena dupatta bhi le gaya…”
Sitting in a candle lit, otherwise pitch dark room – I was shocked to realize this female still had my number. I realized who was calling but not being a keen TV enthusiast, I was blank about whom she was referring to!
Regaining my senses, I said “Arree…Rakhiiii…longgg timeee….how have you been?”
She (giggling amidst cries): “Woh sab chodo…you recognized my voice, abba…wahich bahut mereko!”
Me: “So tell me what happened? Who stole your well…clothes?”
Rakhi: “That Baba…what eez his name? Romeo…he stole my favorite white salwaar kameez…”
Me: “Hmm hmm…well…I’m not aware of what is happening around the world. My world is dark out here.”
Rakhi: “Woh sab chodo… I like to wear it in rain you know…men find it appealing. Bappi da and even Captain finds it hard to resist down south!”
Me: “Errr…ok…but, what do you want me to do?”
Rakhi: “Woh sab chodo…you just listen to me no…this Romeo Baba even took the dupatta along. Why would a man need it?”
Me: “I don’t know…how would I know? Maybe to cover his face or in the worst of cases wipe his sweat!!”
Rakhi: “So don’t you think he’s acting weird? No doubt he is a pervert shameless enough to steal my best clothes. I need to do something about this. Help me no?”
Me: “Help and me? 🙄 How? Well, the trend these days is to go on fast till your demand is met!”
Rakhi: “Wow…so you mean to say that I need to go on fast too? Am I not sleek enough?”
Me: “Well to say the truth, err…actually I don’t know what you should do or not do. But I’m just throwing in some wild guesses!”
Rakhi: “That’s it. I’m going to fast…till my demands are met. I need a white salwaar kameez with dupatta, same as the one Baba Romeo stole but ewwww not the same one! Hmm…”
Me: “Hmm…well…”
Rakhi: “Woh sab chodo…bbye…see me later on TV!”

 

Huh…anyway, I was relieved that no harm was done to me except for the fact that my ear drums were paining! On checking out what the fuss was all about, I found a certain Baba Ramdev in the avatar of Bobby Romeo, what with Salwaar Kameez on. With the opposition parties backing him up and the Government as well as the cops and the special task forces behind him, this country is definitely going to dogs!
In short, Jeeejuuussssssssssss! 😀

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas, I~do~such~things

 

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[Making News]~Of Hikes planned on Mt.Salary!! ;)

Chennai: The time has come for those paychecks to be revised and companies all over are considering many factors including the future market prospects before finalizing on those juicy percentages. The overall expectations are pretty high from the ‘deserving’ individuals. While some are speculating about the high percentages, some others are very confident about it. There are a few others who are calculating innovatively. An employee from the MNC major Outfy said on condition of anonymity, “The attrition rate has been very high here, so the salary fund would be in surplus. Hence I believe we will be getting a good raise this time in comparison to last year.” Innovative? or Cheeky?!!

The mood however is one of sheer optimism at all these software corporate campuses. The scene was no different at soap-n-software giant, Vpro. “We believe that we’ll get a double hike this time as the appraisal cycle of April 2010 is expected to close along with the current appraisal cycle of April 2011. We deserve it!” says Onurodha Cumary (name changed, on request) with a big bright smile followed by a wink. Strange are the ways in which these software engineers behave during these ‘testing’ times, when most are awaiting for the pay-hike ‘developments’ on the senior executive management front.

We believe in Karma – what we give is what we get returned” stated an employee of the latest Fortune 500 entrant Blognizant, who on conditions of anonymity continued “We recently asked people to sponsor notebooks for kids and sadly only about 20% of the people here contributed. Rumor is that only those 20% associates will get a hike for their good Karma. The rest would need to revisit their thought process and strive harder towards the next appraisal”. How lame! Sitting inside those small boxes that they call cubicles, these people seem to have lost IT (no, not that you silly!).

I don’t believe in hikes till I get to see them. I don’t know what bonuses mean! Last time they took away 500 bucks from each employee as bonus. You can imagine how thrilled I was to see my bonus letter showing a negative 500!!!” said Keghana Marthik (again, name changed!) from the mid-tier MNC firm BehindTree.

Obama killed Osama…or is it the other way round? Anyways, we as a team expect to get a good hike considering we do such excellent execution of Osama-in-a-house model!” cheered this employee of Mohinder Standyam, who preferred to refer himself as ‘Team Lead George Mush’.  Now what can I say?!!!

So as you see, the expectations vary from sanity to insanity but then the sky seems to be the limit for these bug hunters (buggers?). While some get real lucky (no, not that way you silly!!), the rest can expect to cool down thanks to some heavy showers expected post this hot season! As if the rest of us care.

Disclaimer: This article is just for fun and has no strong base for the information provided. This article holds no truth and any reference to an individual/group/company is purely coincidental. It is in a way, inspired by Faking News. This disclaimer is the absolute truth.

 
 

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[Karuna-ndid]~A stolen page from the Diary of Grandpa in sunglasses! ;)

Dear Diary,

I always write to you in English, because this is the only place where I can show-off my hold on the queen’s language. As you know, I talk and promote only the mother-tongue of most of my voters. But the fact is that I love English as much as I love my mother-tongue but then let it be our very own little secret. You and I, it’s a wonderful world! I love that jingle where the pug follows you. It makes me feel younger than my actual 87, makes me want to jump out of this cosy pushback enabled wheelchair!

But both the ladies at home prefer the other network due to the various freebies it provides like free Closed User Group (CUG) calls, free local messaging and free one hour of browsing per day. These mobile advertisements, I must confess are pure genius acts. I’ve been in politics for more years than I can remember but then I didn’t get such Ideas all this long.

A few years back, while having dinner with my extended family, we happened to discuss the variety of tariff plans offered by the various service providers in our state and that was when I had my EUREKA moment! “What makes us select a particular mobile service provider?” I asked my family of err…so many members. And surprisingly, for the first and well the only time in my life they shouted out in unison “FREEBIES”!!! And this is the very moment that I got to know the way forward in our field of politics; just like how cloud computing they say is the next big thing in the IT field. This is why I love the two sectors, Television and Telecom!

We experimented with this new approach during the last elections, giving away color televisions and free rice to our voters! It gave me the CM chair for 5 long years. Yippeee! :)))))
“Where will the money come from?” Khaja had asked me. I had winked at him and he had smiled. That is when I first realized that he was my man, fit enough to dig into the untapped funds of my favorite Telecom sector. A visionary behind the dark goggles, am I not? Ha ha…

Five years back, I had announced that I would be a chief ministerial candidate for the last time but then sitting back and strolling on this Persian-cushioned wheel chair, I feel stronger than never before. When I cannot give the CM candidature to the one I want, I’ll give it to none and continue with it. They’ll anyways fight after my time. I’ve more important things to fight against for now. Firstly, I’ve to physically (ha ha, what the…) win at my new election constituency and then mentally with Ms. Amma. Election time or not, she’s always on my mind! 😉

Ms. Amma is not as simple as she may look. There’s a lot more in her armory (Ahem). But then I feel sad to see her copy my ‘Eureka moments’. This time she’s using my method and is doing much better than what I’ve proposed to do. Along with the Televisions, Laptops and Grinders, she’s provided Electric Fans to the ladies. Master stroke I would say…a strategic move that only a lady can think of. I’ve two of my own at home, but…huh…leave it.

Let’s see how it goes. If the people vote in her favor, I’ll retire handing over the ruins to anyone who takes and write movie scripts. With so many scams on, I got a lot of storylines you see. Anyways, I’m sleepy now!

Hoping to get up tomorrow,
Goodnight!

PS: I’m very disappointed with the PM for not inviting me to the India-Pakistan semifinal match. I need to learn ‘sleeping with the enemy’ from him! Huh…

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to anyone dead or alive, is sheer co-incidence. If you find it offensive, I didn’t write it! 😀

 
4 Comments

Posted by on March 31, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas, I~do~such~things

 

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[Crazy-Poetry]~ Wall in Love: The Sakhu-MJ Networking!! ;)

Life was hell, with the poor me squeezed like lime…
I was happy then, but ten months is quite a long time…
What if my relationship status was “Committed” on Facebook…
He still sent me a fraand request, giving my profile pic just one look…

I looked pretty eating a pizza by hands, but must say he was quite bold…
He seemed cute, though his display pic was that of a one year old…
“Hi…friends call me MJ and I also love to eat”, he gave intro and told…
Accepting his request, I welcomed him into my online household…

He made me repeatedly LOL LOL, by cracking jokes on his tummy…
And sometimes I went ROFL, when he told how strict was his mummy…
Sad was this Sakhu Bai, for the last 10 months and then came this MAN…
Now I feel happy and maybe – just maybe – in love, as in my mind he ran…

All my statuses, good or boring – he’s the first to “like”…
In many of his comments, he’s promised to take me on his bike…
Seeing lots of istree-yan in his friend list, used to make me oh so jealous…
But seeing them all call him “anna, anna”, it is now so much hilarious…

You know, he invited me to his Farmville saying “let us grow some crop”…
Though Sakhu knows no farming, I said “Bring pink cow from over the hill top”…
And then he “pokes” me regularly writing funny liners on my wall…
Temme temme…How the hell can Sakhu Bai control herself? In love, she had to fall… 😀

******************************************************************
Note: The English language is deliberately twisted at a few places in this poem…so my dearest English pundits, pls echoos me…this is purely a desi-flavored masala!! 

On request from dearest Sakhu Bai, I intend to dedicate these verses to our dear MJ – The theme of this poem was based on listening to all his stories and also knowing his online avatar!! 

Translations (for the few non-english words that I’ve used):
1) istree-yan = ladies
2) Anna = brother

The Sakhu Bai series so far:
1. Name is Sakhu Bai
2. Sakhu Bai…in love!

 
6 Comments

Posted by on January 7, 2011 in I~do~such~things, poetry

 

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