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[Rakhi Rants]~ I use Shower, not Buckets! :*

Disclaimer: The spellings and typos evident below are natural and inbuilt the author of the article. The Blog owner is not to be crucified for the same. Read at your own risk, for I did not write this!

Hello my phavorate people, I’m the back again to tell you about me. I know you would be complaining that this time Rakhi is late or thinking she is angry, but do not worry as all eez well. Btw, this is only my January rant post ok? Thanks to my bijee schedule it’s being posted in February. Hope you all got your shalary-walary.

This January has been full of work as I was travelling with my shuitcase all over Aushtralia. No, this time I didn’t go to meet the plashtic shurgeons. I was there at Melbourne, Perth, Shydney and Ade-laid cheering the Aushtralians. 4-0 : Poonam Pandey, BEAT THAT! Huh! 

Note: I’m an Indian fan by birth but I’m not going to support the team that gives its winning credits to someone like Ms. Pandey. You know this Poonam no, she has this guts to look into my eyes and say that the letter P in IPL stands for Poonam. Since there is no R in IPL, I can’t argue. So she beats me hands and clothes down.

My fans bring in so much of joy, by Jeejuuuus, what can I say?!! I was shedding happy tears on the 9th of January, when I got to know from this blog owner that this e-special fan of mine has requested me to write something called as the bucket list. Whatever that was, requests are rare to me. Thank you Rumya (oho…both our names begin with shame letter too…XoXo!) for challenging me. Btw, you know what? Too much of happy tears proved costly as tissues are very costly in Aushtralia.
I didn’t know what a bucket-list is as I use shower to take bath. Also I didn’t know what a meme is, but then this blog owner is very kind hearted (and sadly, married!). I demanded e-special trainings to make me understand. I’ve heard them say: Geniuses are not born, but made. So I keep trying hard.

Ok, so let me the share with you some of my shower droplets:
1.
I love Aaamir Khan. I wish he would do what Mika did with me. If this happens I’ll not wish for anything else, not even the below wishes. Mother Promish.
2. One day I want to be on the cover page of Vogue – in a sharee. You see, I’m just a desi girl with angrezi dreams.
3. I want to do what Soniya Gandhi did. Marry a foreigner who’s a politician on the way to become the President or Prime-Minister of his country. I’m not able to decide between Fransh and Etaly.
4. I want to Bungee Jump at leasht once. I know how it feels to be pushed down but not how it feels to jump down.
5. To become the Preshident of India. I think I can satishfactorily do what the Preshident of India does. I’m excited to know she currently has 64 shecurity men around her, but my favorite number is just five more than that.
6. To one day do a main female lead role in an A-grade Bollywood movie opposite Hrithik Roshan. Maybe even e-spread a rumor about a relationship with him. I want to see some reactions on Sujanne’s expressionless face.
7. After retirement (I pray to jeeejjuussss everyday to poshtpone this) from limelight, I want to go to Vatican city and meet the Pope. Something tells me, he’s waiting to meet me.
8. I dreamt of meeting Mr. Shteve Jobs in person. He went to Jeejuuuus. Now in my sleep, I dream of meeting Mr. Huge Hefner. And oh! I don’t mind being his playing partner…I’m all game.
9. I’ve been fixed by the media with many phamous personalities before. I’m shtill waiting for that dream fix – Mr. Sulman Rushdie – for I believe our names have a rhythm in them…Sulman Rushdie and Sawant Rakhi….is rhyming and fully in-flow. Moreover, I love bald men (Aaamir, plsh note…I fell for you in Ghajini! 😉 ) with round shpectacles (Rahul baba, plsh note! 😀 )!

Ok, so there ends my lisht. Yes only nine small wishes there, for the shimple girl that I am. 😀

Rakhi Joke of last month – Rakhi to play main lead opposite Abhishek Bachchan in a movie titled ‘Dostana3’. (I didn’t get it – neither the movie role nor the joke! 😦 )

PS1: I’ve warned the Blog owner not to make any changes to the article in the name of corrections. He the destroyed ‘Rakhi ishshtyle of writing’ in the last two rant poshts. Bawra! He said he will only put down a dishclaimer at the beginning of this rant. The kind hearted me, agreed.
PS2: How do I look in this new photo? HEY! HEY! HEY! You the tell me.

Anyway, let me get back to my bijee schedule. So till you get your next pay check…bbye! 🙂
All of Yours, Rakhi THE Sawant! 😀

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Posted by on February 4, 2012 in Imaginative Bakwaas

 

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[Rakhi Rants]~Of the year that went by….

I’m very well the pleased to let you fans know that this Blogger has agreed to let me write one article every month for you guys on his blog. I had to send him a lot of mails and give many a missed calls before he finally agreed to let your favorite Rakhi share her rants with you people, her fans.
Today is my favorite day of the year and I prayed Jeeejuusssss all day long on an empty stomach after breakfast. By the way, I also had a wonderful time with friends at lunch and then with family at dinner. Some fans came home too with plum cakes. Love you for all your love and kindness Jeeeejuussssss!!!!

A lot of things has been reported by our media this year, not sure but if all that has actually happened or not! Let me note what I think are the 10 most important (and remembered) events of 2011:

Note: Do not hate me (like you love me) if you feel my top 10 events are not so important and in your list! XoXo

1. It felt like there was a worldwide recession, what with everyone I met talking about losing jobs. Later I realized that they were talking about the death of Steve Jobs. I didn’t know him personally, but since everyone around were emotional I shed a tear too. However I still listen music on my Sony mp3 player.

2. Anna Hazare came out of nowhere and took the nation by awe with his anti-corruption campaign before it seemed to look like an anti-congress campaign and then like an anti-constitutional campaign amidst many other looks.
Rumor is that, come 2012 and the regional TV channels in the south will have primetime reality shows dedicated to him, some titled “Kaun banega Kalyug ka Gandhi?”, “Anna ka Swayamvar”, etc.
Note: Don’t feel bad, if I can’t find time to write this article because I see some work for me in 2012, thanks to the Anna reality shows.

3. India won the Cricket World Cup after 28 long years, but by Jeejuss I assure you that Poonam Pandey had nothing to do with inspiring the Indian team to win the quarter & semi-finals. I remember that day very clearly because the make-up on my face was all messed up as I had cried seeing Sachin Tendulkar being carried around the Wankhade on the shoulders of his teammates.
Sadly, the enthusiastic cricketers who lifted ‘God’ that day find themselves out of the team for various reasons. Sunny Deol shared what he calls ‘ander ki baat’, the Inside Joke – “Better go underground, than go down under”! LOL

4. The World population crossed 7 Billion this year and Indians did the best they could and saw to it that the 7Billionth child was our citizen. Up yours, China!

5. A lot many creative people died this year, which had me worried. Abhishek Bachchan assured me that we didn’t have to worry about it that much!
But then I feel bad about our country losing some of its brightest stars. Rest in peace, all their souls. May Jeejusss give them all a place in his heart.

6. We had so many scams this year that I’ve lost a count of it.
Another thing I’ve lost a count of is the number of rip-offs of the stupid (as the singer called it) soup song ‘Why this Kolaveri Di?’ that anyone-can-sing!!

7. I was shocked to know that Aamir Khan had a baby, without his wife getting pregnant. I was thinking for long long time, “Jeeejusss, what this world has come to?” before Rahul baba explained to me about this surrogacy thing.

8. I don’t know what point Veena Malik wanted to make. Posing in your birthday suit is ok, but why did she allow someone to write ISI on her forearm using a cheap temporary tatoo ink??! No wonder ISI and its mistress Pakistan were annoyed by her, for taking the “cheap publicity is afterall publicity” legend a little too far.
I really can’t understand some stupid women.

9. I don’t know much about politics but I know 2 things for sure about Kapil Sibal. One, he has a soft spot for Sonia Gandhi and two, he’s jealous of ManMohan Singh. When there are so many unsolved issues for the politicians to clear, I don’t know why Kapil Sibal waste his time searching for doctored images & videos of Sonia-ManMohan on social networking sites.

10. Coming to my own self, I proposed to a lot many men and tried to get married but alas! There are still aplenty over-eligible men whom I can propose/re-propose in 2012 like Rahul Baba, Ratan Tata (post retirement), Yuvraj Singh, among others. If any of you dear men out there would love to confirm your eligibility, say “I do” in the comment section and I’ll take care of the proposal. Experienced, you see!! ❤ XoXo 😀

Wish you all a very Happy New Year. See you in 2012!! 🙂 May Jeejjusss Bless you!! 🙂
All of Yours, Rakhi! 🙂

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2011 in I~do~such~things, Thoughts

 

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[Featured Bakwaas]~Rakhi Rants….

It’s been a long time since I’ve shook the country with my presence. I was wondering what to do this time, but it seems like my time isn’t good. So I mailed this blogger asking him if I could write some guest posts on his blog. He was kind enough to oblige but he had 2 conditions, one – I had to say only the truth and two – he would edit if I dared to blow a whistle.

Ok, so to say the truth I’m jobless now – what with the main actresses taking away all the item numbers – huh. Twenty-seven seems to be the new Sixty, for I feel like I’m retired. I needed this column to rant off all the stuff on my mind and keep it refreshed. Thanks to this blogger and double thanks to his readers, for you are my new fans…take it or leave it, you can’t ignore it.

Jeeeeeeeeejuuuuussssssssssssss!!! (We have learnt in our younger days that we need to remember the lord every time we start something new. Brings you, the entire luck shuck!)

1. It’s a crime to let your fans down. I’ve always tried my best to keep them happy, even if the best surgeons came overpriced. However recently, my fans were disappointed for no fault of mine. They were heart-broken to not find me in the star-cast of the movie “Rakh(i)star”. I have better facial expressions than Nargis Fakhri, if not a better face.
2. I’m thinking of joining politics if Maya di sends me an invite. Now that she has divided Uttar Pradesh into four states, I could cash in on a ministerial berth. My childhood dream has been to become the Prime Minister of India. Someday.
3. I hate this Poonam Pandey. She’s taking my fans away from me. What I don’t have that she has? Indian men have such a bad taste. Huh!
4. The Sensex is falling, for no reasons. When Poonam Pandey can take credit for uplifting the spirits of the Indian Cricket team, why can’t she shed some clothes so that our Sensex & Nifty gets up and running…? Uski toh main!!!
5. By God, I was the perfect fit for the lead role of ‘Dirty Picture’; why go for Vidya Balan when you have such a natural fit like me? Life is so unfair!!!
6. Men are commitment-phobic when it comes to me. No one wants to marry me. I’ve made some high profile proposals – Salman Baba, Ramdev Baba, Rahul Baba, et all – but nothing’s worked out. I’m now wondering, if not men then who?!
7. I’m very happy about Aishwarya Rai Bachchan delivering a baby girl for I prayed the last 8 months for her safe delivery. If I get to marry someone like Abhishek Bachchan, even I would get a baby girl with blue eyes. Amen 🙂
8. I lost a chance to work with Aamir Khan recently as I was in the rest room for 4 hours. Bad stomach!
9. Someone has hacked my Facebook account. So if any of you guys receive my friend request, it’s just another fraaaaand request…you can be my friend(cum fan) here….xoxo… 🙂
10. I was praying for Sachin’s 100th century in fully covered traditional Indian clothing. Seems like Poonam Pandey will finally have the last laugh! 😦  What a ColaWorry I say?!!!

I got such nice writing style no? Hope you fans liked the sharing of my thoughts in this article. May Jeeejussssss bless you, always! 😀

 
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Posted by on November 26, 2011 in Imaginative Bakwaas

 

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