[Humor]~The Matrimonial Itinerary – 3… ;)

So where were we the last time we talked about this? Right HERE.

Now you are aware that your profile has been created on the matrimonial site(s) and you have no other go but to go with the flow (you feel happy, somewhere deep inside but then you’ll not admit it). So that night after everyone goes to sleep, you go online to check what your parents (or revenge-inspired siblings, as some of you stated in your comments) have put about you in the profile they created. You sit upright to re-read unbelievable stuff written in praise of you. You’ll be amazed about some stuff you get to read, some of which you didn’t know about yourself.
If you are a guy, you’ll be wondering or rather worried about the ‘religious, god-fearing’ personality of yours being portrayed. You’ll silently giggle (with a hiccup) at the ‘non-drinker’ ‘non-smoker’ label tagged to you.
If you are a gal, you’ll be happy to know that you are (still) slim/average and fair! Also you being ‘Traditional’ and ‘great cook’ may put you in repetitive splits of laughter!

You’ll be elated, internally that is, to know from your mom that your profile has had over a 100 views in the first 24 hours and a handful of them have expressed their desire to give you a try. You feel like you are very much in demand, what with 100 odd views on your profile. However in that period of hyped excitement, you won’t realize that 90% of those views would be from onsite stalkers who get into the matrimony site just to watch your photos.

Meanwhile, you’ll have to bear those worthy friends of yours who’ll make your life all colorful with their ‘advices’ and ‘anecdotes’! They would tell you stuff that you’d digest at face-value.
“Since you got a choice to select, say no to any face that’s not better than a GeorgeClooney/KatrinaKaif!”
“Make sure you meet at least a dozen of them, in person. Nothing wrong in safely flirting with a few, before you settle with the right (13th – they don’t say this) one…”

Now that you’ve got the official license to go for the kill, you start digging profiles and find some faces interesting.
If you are a guy and if you set aside about 10 such profiles and send them a message expressing your desire to match with them – 7 of them will automatically reject you by mentioning that they would need a husband who earns a buck, way beyond your wildest imagination. Two more would need you to be what you are not - a vegetarian, a non-vegetarian, a drinker, a non-drinker, a non-smoker, a qualified MBA from an exceptional B-school – and that last remaining gal would already have a boyfriend.
If you are a gal and if you set aside about 10 such profiles and send them a message expressing your desire to match with them - 3 of them would be fake profiles. 3 more would shorter in height or have a beer-belly. 3 of them wouldn’t look like their profile picture and the last remaining guy would already have a boyfriend. Surprised? Don’t be.

Well then…eventually as time lapses, you realize that matchmaking on matrimonial sites is more of snakes, than ladder. The one profile that may head your way will now get blocked by the next major hurdle – the Horoscope. How your own stars stand in the wrong boxes, and hence in your path to marital bliss (??) is something that the best of astrologers havent been able to establish! Yet they are all set to make a match of it, at a fee ofcourse. More on this, next time!

PS: Based on what I’m seeing my ‘eligible’ friends experience over the last 3-4 years. It’s fun to be a friend of someone eligible, if you have already been through that stage!!

 

[Photo Multiplicity]~When 7 = 14 :))))

I tried to dabble with the multiplicity technique, with as many as 7 gals in the fray. Turned out pretty decent.

And well, how did I do it?
I’m going to show you all as to what (and how) I did last weekend when I went on a trip to Kodaikanal with my crazy gang of friends! What better models than our own bunch of friends???!!

There were 7 gals, all of whom wanted to be featured in an overtly hyped (by me) photography technique called Multiplicity.

I had not carried my tripod nor was there any flat surface to keep the camera on. So I had to sit still making sure that I didn’t move the camera after I had fixed the frame. The frame I fixed were the three stone benches on the lawn at the guest house we stayed overnight.

For the first shot, the gals were all asked to sit on the three benches.

For the second, for lack of any other ideas (there were too many objects already in the frame to think of any theme or message) they were all asked to stand right behind and look at the place where they had sat down in the first shot.

And then when I got back home, I merged the first shot with the second shot using the Adobe Photoshop using layer mask & brushes (took me about 20 mins).
After merging, I opened the merged picture in Picasa and applied the ‘Vignette’ frame! Below is the final image!

 

[Humor]~The Matrimonial Itinerary-2 ;)

So where were we the last time we talked about this? Right HERE.

Well, so you turn 27 which means that it has been two years now, since they’ve been trying to fix you up with your life partner. You’d be lucky, if some profiles would have come your way.
If you are a guy, you’d meet the mom-approved-profile-girls (one at a time, that is) at a coffee shop in the evening or at a restaurant (she’s allowed for lunch only!). You would consider each of these proposal meets as a date and keep a mental count of it.
If you are a girl, you would love to reject a few profiles by finding faults in the guy. You always wanted to find fault in guys, admit it!

If you are a guy, your mom tells you to stay at home to celebrate your 27th birthday with an emotional “Who knows about next time? You could be celebrating it with your spouse! You can celebrate with your friends tomorrow in daytime!” You tell the same to your friends by calling them up and you get labeled as “Mommy’s boy!”
If you are a girl, your mom makes your dad to apply the same logic. You tell the same to your friends by sending them text messages (if there are still a few free msgs left, else missed calls) and you end up labeled as “Daddy’s girl!”

After your birthday cake is cut and neatly eaten, all of you retire to your bedrooms.
Your mom wouldn’t get sound sleep for sure. She’d wake your dad up from his snoring slumber with a “Do you even care? Look at how peacefully you are sleeping, as if everything is alright!!!”
“I’m sorry, I fell asleep at night when normally everyone tends to sleep” he’d reply sarcastically like a married man does.
“It’s ok. Now listen to me!” she would make her move, either not sensing sarcasm or simply choosing to ignore it.
“Do you know your son/daughter turned 27 yrs old today?” she’d ask a vague invalid question (as per your dad).
He’d interrupt as usual like men do with a “Don’t I know what I did 28 yrs ago? I’m still paying for it!” like a cool cheeky guy.
“You and your jokes…Ha Ha…happy? Now listen to me, seriously!” she’d sit up.
“Ok I’m all ears…what is it?” he would come to his marital senses, in the hope of not having to eat the next morning’s breakfast outside.
“Good, go get your laptop. You need to post the Matrimonial profile right now!!” she’d say switching the bedroom lights on.
“Can’t we do it first thing in the morning?” he’d definitely try to win a lost battle, for that one last time, but then seeing her anger-laced-eyes pop out, he’d quickly get up and boot his laptop.

You get up in the morning, thinking it’s a new day in this new year of yours and wonder what’s special for breakfast. And when you see your mom smiling big time at you as you approach the dining table, you don’t tend to sense anything spooky! That’s when life treats you to a freaking surprise!
You’d get the biggest gift for your birthday, a very much unexpected one…a shocker, so to say.
She proudly tells you about your newly created Matrimonial profile stressing on the fact that it was dad who actually created it. Such a safe ploy, since he isn’t around, in case you decide to blast like a bomb! You end up not even realizing what you are having at breakfast.

When you meet your friends, they’d enquire about the party at home the previous night. You’d brush it with an “It was just a quiet family get together. We just cut the cake and ate it at midnight. My parents gifted me new watch, maybe to remind me of the times ahead.”
“Why what happened? Why are you talking like a failed poet?” one of them would sense the look on your face and ask you this question.
Intuitively or not, you’d tell them about how your life changed overnight, that you now have one more online profile along with the FACEBOOK, LINKEDIN and ZURKER ones you proudly possess. You’d be so secretive that they’d probe you further with a “What?! Tell us exactly what happened!!!” sporting a concerned look on their faces.
Finally you succumb, letting them know that you are now proudly on display for receiving matrimonial alliances on one of the prime matrimonial sites. You see the expression change on their faces, a few of them holding on to their mouths to suppress laughter while the shameless rest Laugh Out Loud as they sway in random directions.
“The fun has begun, we’ll see that you are taken (in) the right way” they declare in unison.

All you do is stand in the corner smiling sheepishly…not knowing exactly, what you have to do.
More on this, next time.

PS: Based on what I’m seeing my ‘eligible’ friends experience over the last 3 years. It’s fun to be a friend of someone who has a matrimonial profile, especially if you don’t have one!

 

 

[Photo-Blog]~The Moon Gaze :)

Moon Gaze – from its rise to its disappearance amidst the clouds!
The moon came closest to the earth for the year at 221,802 miles, today – the 5th of May’12.

 

 

[Humor]~The Matrimonial Itinerary… ;)

There comes a stage in life where you feel that things have come to a standstill. Things don’t tend to go the way they are expected to, nor do they show any sign of taking the path you would have laid out in your mind for it to go.
To say it in one brutal manner – You are left stranded and alone!

Life is all rosy till you complete that 25th birthday of yours. You’d have finished your college and either lived through those fresh years of corporate life or just entered the grill, after you are done with your post-graduation. But the time you strike 25, you like it or not, life kick-starts what can be termed as your ‘Quarter Life Crisis’.

Parents become all alert, with respect to your marriage alliance. If their child is a girl, they feel they have already waited too long. They even curse themselves for being liberal all these years. The cobwebs are lifted off the horoscope they made of yours, a quarter century ago.

There is a smile on the face of the Xerox shop owner when he sees your dad approaching with your horoscope in hand, for it means good business to him.
“25 copies please?” your dad would request. Look at the confidence he has on your horoscope.
“Sir, if you order 50 copies I offer a 10% discount on the bill” informs the photocopy guy, dead sure that your dad would take the bait.
“Wokay I say, make it 50. You never know!” he succumbs to the sales pitch, thereby reassuring his faith & confidence in the position of your stars!

Mom is happy to see that Dad is very much enthusiastic about fixing your nuptial, for she has no clue about the discounted deal her husband has made compromising on the confidence he had on you and your stars. She rewards him for his hard work, let’s say, with a pippin’ hot coffee, if nothing else.

They then plan to post (e-mailing, is still new fashion!) a copy each in an enclosed envelope to their ‘Contacts’ – the ever-ready mama-mamis, the on-their-toe relatives and the friends-of-friends. This process goes on till they really (put you in a fix? ) fix you with someone.

If your alliance is fixed before your 26th birthday, you are spared of all that is to come.
If not, eyebrows and fingers, both are raised at various factors and maybe even at you.

Apart from the rhetorical IIM-IIT-Onsite questions, personal questions start to pop up:
“Is something wrong with him/her??”
“Is he/she too healthy? Is he/she too thin??”
As time passes, questions give way for guesses:
“I think there’s something terrible awaiting as per his/her horoscope. The planets seem to be not in the right houses.”
“I feel he/she expects an alliance from an even more affluent family.”
Eventually, it comes to rumors:
“I heard the guy/gal has an affair with a college mate, and so is rejecting every proposal. I saw him/her hugging someone in a Facebook photo!”
“The guy’s family I heard is demanding too much/The gal says that she doesn’t want to stay with the in-laws post-marriage.”

Amidst all this, you silently celebrate your 27th birthday.
Yet, it’s not over for you, for you are not spared. You are now ready to be auctioned online, in a matrimonial site.
More on this, next time.

PS: Based on what I’m seeing my ‘eligible’ friends experience over the last 2 years. It’s fun only when you are just an observer.

 

[Photo-Blog]~Of a Mare and Multiplicity!!! :)

I’ve been short of words off late. Call it the lack of time, the busy at work or the simply plain-n-lazy – I haven’t been able to write and publish a single post here for like over a month now. So here I am posting two pics, just to feel satisfied that my blog isn’t all that dormant!!

Pic #1: This shot of a horse mare was clicked at Rameswaram, South Tamil Nadu.

Pic #2: Tried this photography technique called ‘Multiplicity’. It required a lot of patience though, for both the model in Su and the photographer in me!!

 

[55F]~Rejection, Plagiarism, Experience! ;)

The Rejection!

The telephonic interviews were on and she wanted to badly clear it. She was advised to keep her answers closed, Yes or No. She was also cautioned that one wrong word from her could spoil it all. The interview went well till the instance she uttered that one word, extremely loud and infamously clear. Jeeejusss!

The Plagiarism!

He was extremely thrilled about his entry, for the 55 fiction contest. Having written it on his own for the first time, he had got it reviewed by a few blogger friends of his before the actual submission, only to find it already submitted by a fellow blogger as if it was his own. KARMA!

The Experience!

This was her first time. She was in a very uncomfortable position mainly because he was all over her. The noise caused by his heavy breathing as well as by the restless cot beneath had unnerved her. She was waiting for it to end. The whole experience had just freaked her out. Damn Middle-Berth!

Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for any kind of deviation in the understanding of the above contents.

 

[Book-Review]~A Godly Blunder! :)

Ever wondered what happens to the soul, once we depart from this real world? What is the state of the soul that is a tenant in our body, post its lease period that spans our lifetime? No? Well, the author of this book has kind of dwelled over something that none (that I’ve read so far) have tried to deal with.

Parimal Kalikar, an ex-MNC executive in his first book, deals with an unique storyline of an orphaned soul that gets assigned to by none other than the mighty Almighty alias God, with a temporary assignment of dealing with a bug caused by a technical snag in the SMS (Soul Management System) of Swarga.

 Pic Courtesy: Rupa Publications Co.

Oliver, the protagonist of the book titled “A Godly Blunder!”, is a German national who works as a quality control manager in a premium car company in Germany. He happens to die young in an accident and reaches heaven. And then God decides to assign him with a short term trip back to earth until the technical snag in the SMS at Swarga is rectified.
 
This is where it gets out of hand (and hilarious for the reader) for Oliver. The short assignment requires the meat-eater in him to occupy the body of an short & stout Indian middle-class vegeterian man named Siddhesh who is currently in a state of coma at a hospital in the Indian city of Pune, Maharashtra.

“I didn’t think it would be easy to take a bath after I had looked at Sid’s body – and I was right, it was much worse. Looking at someone else’s body, and soaping it, believing it to be yours is disturbing. It is a humiliating experience cleaning someone else’s privates every day.”

To a reader who understands how an Indian society works with an extreme extent of family bonding, emotion, corruption, dishonesty, working-class ethics, thought-processes amidst all others; this would happen to be a hilarious plot. But to someone like Oliver who is so oblivious to the ground reality, it happens to be quite an eye-opener. And to keep an eye on him on his earthly assignment, he’s got two escorts (Chubby & Hippie) who don’t seem to be making things easier for him as he tries to get along and settle down with his new Indian family and their day-to-day happenings.

What happens to Oliver’s soul when dwelling in an Indian body? How different does Siddhesh behave from his usual, with Oliver’s soul driving the show? All this is answered by the hilarious journey of Oliver’s soul that takes a trip from earth to heaven and back! It surely did keep me in splits for most of its 180 odd page contents.

Do pick it up and read if you are bored of the usual love saga by the authors from ‘three-letter-abbreviated’ premier Indian institutes.
In two words, this book is like “tomato ketchup” – for ‘It’s different’!

Rating: 4/5.

 

[Rakhi Rants]~ I use Shower, not Buckets! :*

Disclaimer: The spellings and typos evident below are natural and inbuilt the author of the article. The Blog owner is not to be crucified for the same. Read at your own risk, for I did not write this!

Hello my phavorate people, I’m the back again to tell you about me. I know you would be complaining that this time Rakhi is late or thinking she is angry, but do not worry as all eez well. Btw, this is only my January rant post ok? Thanks to my bijee schedule it’s being posted in February. Hope you all got your shalary-walary.

This January has been full of work as I was travelling with my shuitcase all over Aushtralia. No, this time I didn’t go to meet the plashtic shurgeons. I was there at Melbourne, Perth, Shydney and Ade-laid cheering the Aushtralians. 4-0 : Poonam Pandey, BEAT THAT! Huh! 

Note: I’m an Indian fan by birth but I’m not going to support the team that gives its winning credits to someone like Ms. Pandey. You know this Poonam no, she has this guts to look into my eyes and say that the letter P in IPL stands for Poonam. Since there is no R in IPL, I can’t argue. So she beats me hands and clothes down.

My fans bring in so much of joy, by Jeejuuuus, what can I say?!! I was shedding happy tears on the 9th of January, when I got to know from this blog owner that this e-special fan of mine has requested me to write something called as the bucket list. Whatever that was, requests are rare to me. Thank you Rumya (oho…both our names begin with shame letter too…XoXo!) for challenging me. Btw, you know what? Too much of happy tears proved costly as tissues are very costly in Aushtralia.
I didn’t know what a bucket-list is as I use shower to take bath. Also I didn’t know what a meme is, but then this blog owner is very kind hearted (and sadly, married!). I demanded e-special trainings to make me understand. I’ve heard them say: Geniuses are not born, but made. So I keep trying hard.

Ok, so let me the share with you some of my shower droplets:
1. I love Aaamir Khan. I wish he would do what Mika did with me. If this happens I’ll not wish for anything else, not even the below wishes. Mother Promish.
2. One day I want to be on the cover page of Vogue – in a sharee. You see, I’m just a desi girl with angrezi dreams.
3. I want to do what Soniya Gandhi did. Marry a foreigner who’s a politician on the way to become the President or Prime-Minister of his country. I’m not able to decide between Fransh and Etaly.
4. I want to Bungee Jump at leasht once. I know how it feels to be pushed down but not how it feels to jump down.
5. To become the Preshident of India. I think I can satishfactorily do what the Preshident of India does. I’m excited to know she currently has 64 shecurity men around her, but my favorite number is just five more than that.
6. To one day do a main female lead role in an A-grade Bollywood movie opposite Hrithik Roshan. Maybe even e-spread a rumor about a relationship with him. I want to see some reactions on Sujanne’s expressionless face.
7. After retirement (I pray to jeeejjuussss everyday to poshtpone this) from limelight, I want to go to Vatican city and meet the Pope. Something tells me, he’s waiting to meet me.
8. I dreamt of meeting Mr. Shteve Jobs in person. He went to Jeejuuuus. Now in my sleep, I dream of meeting Mr. Huge Hefner. And oh! I don’t mind being his playing partner…I’m all game.
9. I’ve been fixed by the media with many phamous personalities before. I’m shtill waiting for that dream fix – Mr. Sulman Rushdie – for I believe our names have a rhythm in them…Sulman Rushdie and Sawant Rakhi….is rhyming and fully in-flow. Moreover, I love bald men (Aaamir, plsh note…I fell for you in Ghajini! ) with round shpectacles (Rahul baba, plsh note! )!

Ok, so there ends my lisht. Yes only nine small wishes there, for the shimple girl that I am.

Rakhi Joke of last month – Rakhi to play main lead opposite Abhishek Bachchan in a movie titled ‘Dostana3’. (I didn’t get it – neither the movie role nor the joke! )

PS1: I’ve warned the Blog owner not to make any changes to the article in the name of corrections. He the destroyed ‘Rakhi ishshtyle of writing’ in the last two rant poshts. Bawra! He said he will only put down a dishclaimer at the beginning of this rant. The kind hearted me, agreed.
PS2: How do I look in this new photo? HEY! HEY! HEY! You the tell me.

Anyway, let me get back to my bijee schedule. So till you get your next pay check…bbye!
All of Yours, Rakhi THE Sawant!

 

[PhotoBlog]~The Yellow Monster!!

Captured from the balcony of my house! Click on pic, for larger clearer view!